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Friday, April 30, 2010

Spring Cleaning





This week was the start of my spring cleaning, however not in the sense I would've thought. This week has been incredibly emotionally taxing, but I ended up learning a lot from it. I was finally able to get a hold of my 'best friend' aka 'wife' who was MIA for the better part of 2 months. I was able to tell her exactly how her absence has made me feel, and how missing my birthday, my son's birthday and my daughter's baptism with no explanation was not acceptable. And that is not something I typically, actually, ever do. I take it and take it, because I have fallen into the role of the 'peace keeper', I hate confrontation, even if it's at my expense.


Then my sister in law had informed me that she ordered her wedding invitations, after she had already asked me to make them, all the paper & supplies were already bought, and the format was all set on my computer to start working on them next week. Mind you her wedding isn't until the 1st weekend of september, she said that she 'didn't want to worry about them', and she figured that 'I was too busy', but I could 'make the favor tags if I wanted to'. First of all, she never gave me a date of when she wanted them done by, but from planning 4 previous weddings I know that typical etiquette calls for 6-8 weeks prior to the wedding the invitations can be sent out. I tried to explain to her that I wouldn't have offered to make her invitations (which were to match the save the dates I already made, along with the rest of the paper goods needed ), and that I would've had them by the first week of June. Apparently sister in law from hell is an expert on everything and told me 'well its actually 10 weeks with the holiday weekend, these things are time sensitive'.
REALLY BITCH BC I'VE NEVER HELPED WITH A WEDDING OR PLANNED MY OWN FOR THAT MATTER?!I understand its her wedding, and people change their minds last minute all the time, but atleast let me know BEFORE you go ahead and order invitations, since I already spent time and money making what you specifically asked for. I've cut not only her but most of my in laws off, if not already putting up strict boundaries. They could give a shit about me, the only time they have anything to do with me is if they need me to do something for them, or if it has to do with the kids. All the conversations are very superficial, I tried to do things when Michael & I first started dating, but it was like pulling teeth. Everytime we are together (holidays, kids playing etc)they pretty much ignore me. They always have their 2 cents to add about what we 'should' be doing.Nothing I've ever done has been good enough, I'VE never been good enough. This past week is just a culmination of 7 years of me being a doormat, trying to make it work with people who are completely unwilling to give me a chance.


I've always tried to find happiness through other people, by making sure they're happy, instead of looking inward and being happy with in myself. And by doing so, I end up suffering in the end. I'm all done. Nice Robin is gone. I'm not going to be a malicious bitch by any means, but I refuse to sit here and let people take advantage of me and treat me like shit.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

First Impressions

"I was never the girl next door." ~ Betty Page


Pin up models have been around as long as there has been commercial print, although it may be synonymous with the WWII era, their existence has been documented back to the 1890's. The pin up models that most of our society are familiar with were traditionally found in the lockers of the soldiers at war during WWII when companies became wise to the idea of using these models to advertise their products, such as gillette razors. The traditional innocence of the 'girl-next-store' pin up was lost in the 1970's thanks to magazines such as Play boy and Hustler who became bored with the Betty Page form, and unfortunately opened the flood gates to the emergence of the identically vapid genetically altered fem bot that is still in existence.


Although being a pin up model may have been meant to use the models sex appeal for financial gain, in my opinion, it has become the embodiment of what it means to be a woman. Betty Page, Marilyn Monroe,Lauren Becall, these women were a true representation of what it was to be feminine. Today it seems like all we have are walking talking vapid stick figures, nothing the average woman can really relate to.


Being a part of a retro pin up shoot, will make even the most tomboy-ish girl feel ultra feminine. There is nothing like being able to play dress up, and having your make up done, it truly makes you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world, from the inside out. I was lucky enough to work with Lorraine Murphy and Genn Shaughnessy from First Impressions Pin Ups, to experience my first of, what I can expect to be, my first of many retro shoots.


The total experience start to finish, including the use of all wigs & accessories, make up professionally done by Ms.Shaugnessy, photography skills of Mrs.Murphy, a high resolution disc of all your shots (anywhere from 150-200), gas up to Boston and Parking at the Hyatt, is around $450, if you'd like your own hair professionally done that is an additional $50, and you may also add an additional hour for more costumes shots (you are alotted 3 in your 1 hour time block)for around $100. It may seem like a big price tag, and you may opt not to purchase the high resolution disc ($200) and save there (you can choose to purchase individual prints seprately), but I personally prefer to own all of the prints and be able to buy seperately, especially if you're already going to spend the time and money on a photo shoot like this. If you were going to price this type of photo shoot on your own, it would cost around 3X that much, so I think this is an amazing price :)





http://www.pinupmakeover.com/


http://www.modelmayhem.com/gennshaughnessy


http://www.modelmayhem.com/pinupmakeover

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Shoulda Woulda Coulda



It's nice to know that I'm not the only one feeling like this, thanks to melting mama's recent article ( http://networkedblogs.com/30J1J ) about the 'what if's ' of life, i.e. having children early and living your life in a different path as to 'catch up' to your peers. I always felt like I never truly got to follow the path of life or what have you, like my friends did. Starting with college. All my friends went away to colleges, applying to various schools that had actual dorms, with room mates ... I went to the concrete jungle aka Cape Cod Community College. I didn't really know what the hell I wanted, I had a vague idea, I finished the high school's pre school early education program that enabled you to be certified through the state to work in any pre school as a teachers assistant, and I graduated with art honors (math kept me off the regular honor roll). So I decided since I was good at both, I'd be an elementary school art teacher. mmm kay.


I lived a very typical sheltered cape cod up bringing, the only time I actually ventured over the bridge was to go to dorm parties at my friends college, I lived vicariously through them. My parents really didn't have the money, I had a few scholarships and grants but that would never cover full time state or private school, and I was far to scared to live away from home. So 4 C's seemed the obvious choice. through the 2 year tenure I changed majors 3 times, from early childhood education, to human services to emergency medical services, and managed to single handedly assasinate my GPA thanks to undiagnosed ADHD & Anxiety. So I guess I really was better off wasting $ over in west barnstable rather than wasting $$ at a state school. But I always felt I was left out bc I never really went to a "real" school.
4 C's is supposed to be a stepping stone 2 year college, or 4 year satellite ... yeah fast forward 9 years and another major change. And most of my friends have their degrees, although most are not working in a field related to what they spent all of their $$ on. One of my best girlfriends went to Emerson and got a degree in stage management ... she works at a bank.





Facebook can be really depressing too. A lot of my friends, including my sister in law who is 3 years younger than me, are in the process of buying, or have bought, a house. That is so far out of our reach right now, its really depressing. If it wasnt for our amazing family we'd be homeless. I feel completely embarrassed and ashamed that I have to depend on other people for something that I should be able to provide for my family. But no, my dumbass went on a joy ride with credit cards and will be spending the next 3 years on a debt management plan paying them back, instead of saving for a house.


I love my children with all of my heart, they are absolutely everything to me. I just wish I guess I had done things in the "right" order I guess, so I could properly provide for them (i.e. have a house for them to call their own) and not worry about having to decide between gas for my car and groceries. I dread the day little michael wants to invite a friend over, or the day I may have to return the favor of a play date, because the house is not our own :(


When I was in high school my genious OBGYN Dr.Angus told me it would be unlikely I'd be able to become pregnant or that I would have a hard time becoming pregnant bc of my endometriosis. So after I had such a hard time with every birth control known to man, I decided to take myself off of it completely. 2 weeks later I tripped, fell and became pregnant with MJ.I still hold that Dr. Dumbass, Chris Isaak and Victoria Secrets owes me back child support .... but that hasn't panned out.


I guess the whole point that I'm trying to convey here is that I feel inadequate bc I don't have everything that I would have expected to at my age. Knowing that I'll still be living with family kills me. But I guess it could be worse, because my family is pretty awesome, even if they do wake you at the ass crack of dawn to bury deceased live stock.


Friday, April 16, 2010

Getting On My Soap Box



My husband has grounded me from watching Nancy Grace along the other laundry list of other Headline News shows, he says its too depressing, and it only exhasterbates my already dibilitating anxiety. I can't help it, maybe its because she's the greatest mega bitch that has ever lived, its part of what draws me to her show. Anyways, the whole 'update' on the Haleigh Cummings case has me in my soap box. If you're not familiar with her case, check out HLN, its on replay. Basically about a year and a half ago, 9-1-1 was called in Putnum County Florida (what is with Florida and missing/murdered children WTF already) when father 27 year old Ronald Cummings came home around 2 am from working at a factory (which initially was confirmed) to 17 year old babysitter/live in girlfriend Misty Crosslen stating some one had 'stolen' Hayley while they (meaning herself,Haleigh and 3 year old brother Ron Jr were asleep in the same room. Misty had claimed that she last saw Haleigh at around 10 pm when she went to sleep, and went on to change stories on which child was sleeping in what bed, and also went on to give an incorrect description on Haleigh's PJ's. A lot of things were not adding up in Misty's 'account' of that night. The Cummings family had a troubled past, and Haleigh's 'disaapearance' was just a tragedy waiting to happen. What gets me is that Ronald (the father) went on to marry Misty about 1 month later, even though her story wasn't making any sense and she was the last one to reportedly see Haleigh alive. WHO THE HELL DOES THAT?!?!? Not surprisingly the marriage only lasted a few months, and the two divorced, only to re unite several months later on drug trafficking charges, surprise surprise. My question is WHY IS THERE NOT A COMPETANCY TEST TO BECOME A PARENT!?!?!?! You need a license to drive a car, a license to own a dog, even a license to catch a fish, but theres no rules or regulations in order to care for a child?!?!?! WTF!!!!! And why in so many cases, does CPS give back these children of violent and drug addicted homes, where abuse has been proven, being an abuser does not stop at 'oh I promise I'll never do it again', I may be completely out of line here, but in my opinion, once an abuser, always an abuser. These poor children do not have a chance, there are so many families out there who would love to care for these children that are abuse and neglected, but the parents use them as a pawn to gain whatever advantage it is they're getting. It absolutely boils my blood. Poor Haleigh is believed to have been thrown into a river with alligators, and they're still debating on whether or not she was dead when she was tied down with cinderblocks. She was a poor defenseless 5 year old little girl with special needs, and she had the unfortunate luck of being born into the situation she was. Our children are our future, when will we as a society start putting more value on their precious little lives

(http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/local/breakingnews/os-haleigh-cummings-dead-20100415,0,6269630.story)



Sunday, April 4, 2010

"And you take me the way I am..."



Sometimes the people who mean to do the best for you end up doing the worst, not realizing the constant stream of conflicting comments only create a bigger and more complex monster. Ever since I could remember my mother chirps in with the weight comments, good and bad. I honestly don't think she was consciously trying to hurt me, just one of those thoughtless off the cuff remarks. I remember growing up my mother making comments about my short chubby little legs or my butt, especially around puberty (which is a bitch in my family) I like most girls, added some chubbyness on top of my already growing 'ackward preteen' resume. I remember playing by the pool with one of my best girl friends (who happened to be a string bean all through school) and doing a split, "your fats hanging out of the side". When all my girlfreinds took up ballet in JR high school, I wanted to go too, "you can't do that, you're too fat". I wasn't ballet material for numerous reasons, and I'm sure that the required leotard would've been less than flattering, but I was by no means a living breathing weeble wobble. Once the summer before my freshman year of high school rolled around I figured out the magic of calorie restricting, I was never good at math, but I knew that if I kept my daily caloric intake around 500 and did that same amount of crunches, I know longer was the proud owner of the ackward preteen chub.

Through out my freshman year I did not crack 100 lbs, hitting my lowest point at 86 lbs. It sounds horrifying, but given that I'm very petite I was able to hide it easier. Through out high school my weight yo yo'd going from my lowest of 86 lbs to 125 lbs when I graduated, which is considered healthy for 5'4". The boyfriend I had in high school was not particularly helpful to my weight obsession, I suppose when you take on unhealthy habits or lifestyles, you in turn attract unhealthy people. I had dated him for many years, when we started dating I was still in my very thin stage, and once I became with in a 'normal' weight range the comments from him would start. I have a lot of food allergies (which probably only exaserbates my anxiety with food) and had a very limited menu that I could eat from at the lunch room at school, which mainly consisted of chips and a drink. We would be sitting with my friends and when I went to open my bag of chips, he'd snatch them away from me and say 'you don't need to eat those'. Eventually we ended up sitting by ourselves during lunch ... gee I wonder why ....

After highschool we broke up, by my relationships with men that were less than healthy seemed to be a running theme. It wasn't until I met my now husband that I can honestly say that I'm in a healthy, loving and supportive relationship with someone who is my best friend. My poor husband knows that I'm sick, but I don't think that he knows what to do with it. I don't know what to do with it. I don't think that I look particularly sick, but my anxiety around food and eating is over whelming. Combined with various life threatening food allergies, and now a choking episode every other time I try to eat (going back and forth to boston trying to figure out if its eosinophilic esophagitis or very aggressive acid reflux), trying to eat is torture. I eat whatever I want, but I torture myself mentally over it and go to the gym every day that is physically possible, and when I don't I get physically ill. I obsess over what size clothes I am, which every woman knows is a losing battle because most companies have different ways of cutting clothes, so you might be one size in one store, then 4 sizes bigger in another. How good I feel on any particular day depends on how fat I feel.



I don't think I need to state the obvious here, That dress is a size 0 and its baggy ... not attractive


I don't think that I fit any one particular eating disorder category, I'm in eating disorder pergatory. I don't binge, I don't puke, I eat very little, but I don't consciously restrict, and I'm obsessed with the gym. I just absolutely adore the feeling of being tiny. I think a part of it is a control issue, I've had so many (non related) health issues, and an anxiety disorder, that being able to control my size is one thing that brings me comfort, and getting any type of therapy or treatment to me means taking away my security blanket.

I have two beautiful children, my son is four and my daughter is 10 months. I gained 50 lbs each time, and for anyone with a eating disorder the comments of "OH.MY.GOD.YOU HAVE HOW MUCH LONGER LEFT?!" "ARE YOU HAVING TWINS??" isn't exactly reassuring. When you lose all the baby weight and then the back handed compliments start coming in ... "you look great, just don't lose anymore weight" .... nice. I was able to stop my weight obsession cold turkey when I was pregnant both times, I think I felt safe because I had carte blanche to gain weight with out too much self hatred and guilt, because after all, I was growing a human. It's always been one or the other, either I look a little chubby or "are you eating""what is it your eating" ... when people start harassing me about my diet I just shut down, its kind of like a double edged sword, I always want to be the littlest one, yet I don't want the comments that go with it.






I know how harmful my mothers comments were to me, and I consciously don't pick at myself or make negative comments around my children, and I tell both my children that they're gorgeous every day. My daughter is very very tall, she's 10 months old and has been wearing size 18 months since she was 8 months old. I've gotten after people, particularly my mother, about comments like "beast" and "giant" .... no she's a 'supermodel' or just plain old 'beautiful girl' will do. I know that I will never ever ever make comments about my daughters body, and will not stand for anyone doing it either. My mother and grandmother are always very critical of their own bodies, and when some one you love and look up to says bad things about their own bodies, as a child, you think they are perfect, and you came from them ... so you think ... 'if they think they're fat and ugly, I must be too'.

So whats the moral of the story here? I'm not sure exactly. I know that I'm floating around in eating disorder pergatory with my 'security blanket' of body image obsession, yet it can make me so miserable. I know I'm going to fight like hell to make sure my daughter knows how gorgeous she is, and to make sure my son treats every woman with dignity and respect, and love her for who she is. Now I'm at my pre baby weight, but my old clothes aren't quite fitting the same and my body has changed ... lets just say that losing a total of 100 baby lbs can cause some sagging ... and drooping ... *I feel pretty**oh so pretty* ....so now besides the numbers on the scale, I have a whole new area to obsess about, and unfortunately the only way to fix those particular problems I'd have to visit Dr.Nip/Tuck because no amount of excersize can get rid of extra skin.




My husband, my best friend, my heart



I go through highs and lows of my own self image, if I make a conscious effort to compliment myself and try to feel good, then I do feel better, but it is a lot of work after almost 20 years of self loathing, and sometimes my efforts get lost between working a full time job, doing laundry, cleaning the house and changing diapers. Am I better than I was, yes. Will I ever be 'cured', probably not. It's like recovering from any other 'addiction' whether it be drugs,alcohol, etc, its an on going effort, some days are better than others. My husband and babies keep me from falling off the edge, because I know that they need me, even if I don't think I'm all that important, at the end of the day my husband needs his wife, and my babies need their mommy.



It's never too early to tell her she's beautiful, just the way she is