Deciding Between Waging Battle or Throwing Up The White Flag

I'm going to try and be as discreet as possible, as there is a chance some male readers might dry heave, so I'll try and be considerate of you male folks. As some of you are aware I've been waging battle against my uterus, aka my "incubator", it's been an ongoing battle since I was diagnosed with Endometriosis at 17. Since I had baby princess last year its been considerably worse, and in the last three months it went from misery to hell on earth. I am at the point were I am physically and mentally drained, on top of all the other wonderful symptoms of naseua, migraines, weepiness, agonizing abdominal pain, blood clots (sorry), loss of appetite, weight loss, and oh yeah I've been bleeding since May 24th. AWESOME.


I've gone through pretty much every birth control ever created when I was in high school, and they made me fat and crazy. I was on depo shot for two years, which was awesome, but apparently not good for my bones. Then I was on the patch, which almost killed me when it sent me into an unresponsive hypotensive crisis , apparently having a blood pressure of 73/40 is not condusive to being alert and oriented. I tried mirena, the IUD that has low dose hormones, it worked for about a year and then I started bleeding all the time. That came out and baby princess came along. After her I opted for the copper IUD (paragaurd), which was fine, it didn't help my endometriosis symptoms, but it was effective birth control. Then my uterus decided it was going to bring on an epic battle and make me leak like a god damned BP oil well..... sorry ....


My dr from Plymouth Shore OB (they are awesome BTW) has be scheduled for an ultrasound tomorrow, I already went for bloodwork, then the end of next month I have a biopsy scheduled the same day of my IUD removal. After the results from the biopsy come back (to determine if there's a pathalogical reason for my misery), she's going to to a laperoscopy & D&C on the same day. I could have a hysterectomy if I wanted to, seeing that I've had two children, and with my history of problems, I would be an acceptable canidate.Great. It's like jury duty to me, you really don't want to do it, but you know you're going to have to eventually. Except there's no bench warrant involved if I don't show up.... but I digress ..... The only time I'm not in misery is when I'm pregnant, I LOVE being pregnant, bc I'm a sick freak like that, and with baby princess being a VBAC I could totally do it again.


Husband and I had discussed it last week, and had come to the conclusion that we have two very healthy babies, one of each, and that we are lucky to have the family we have, so why push our luck. Plus we are in no position to try and have another one anytime soon, it would be one thing if we had our own house, etc, but that just isn't going to happen for a long time. So I had accepted it as fact, and skip all the jumping through hoops to save a uterus I was just going to get rid of. So I thought.





The more I thought about it, the more I cried. It sounds incredibly ridiculous, but I would feel less like a woman. And this may sound completely vain and ridiculous, but in conjunction with the fact that I have no boobs what so ever, if I had my uterus aka "baby incubator" taken out, I could no longer become pregnant, the most feminine state you could be in. If I didn't have that what would I have, it's like taking away part of your identity. All the women in my family have had a hysterectomy, bc apparently we all have defective parts, so I know its probably only a matter of time. I just don't know if that time has to be right now.


It's just too permanent for me, I don't know if I can say good bye to this