Shoulda Woulda Coulda

It's nice to know that I'm not the only one feeling like this, thanks to melting mama's recent article ( http://networkedblogs.com/30J1J ) about the 'what if's ' of life, i.e. having children early and living your life in a different path as to 'catch up' to your peers. I always felt like I never truly got to follow the path of life or what have you, like my friends did. Starting with college. All my friends went away to colleges, applying to various schools that had actual dorms, with room mates ... I went to the concrete jungle aka Cape Cod Community College. I didn't really know what the hell I wanted, I had a vague idea, I finished the high school's pre school early education program that enabled you to be certified through the state to work in any pre school as a teachers assistant, and I graduated with art honors (math kept me off the regular honor roll). So I decided since I was good at both, I'd be an elementary school art teacher. mmm kay.


I lived a very typical sheltered cape cod up bringing, the only time I actually ventured over the bridge was to go to dorm parties at my friends college, I lived vicariously through them. My parents really didn't have the money, I had a few scholarships and grants but that would never cover full time state or private school, and I was far to scared to live away from home. So 4 C's seemed the obvious choice. through the 2 year tenure I changed majors 3 times, from early childhood education, to human services to emergency medical services, and managed to single handedly assasinate my GPA thanks to undiagnosed ADHD & Anxiety. So I guess I really was better off wasting $ over in west barnstable rather than wasting $$ at a state school. But I always felt I was left out bc I never really went to a "real" school.
4 C's is supposed to be a stepping stone 2 year college, or 4 year satellite ... yeah fast forward 9 years and another major change. And most of my friends have their degrees, although most are not working in a field related to what they spent all of their $$ on. One of my best girlfriends went to Emerson and got a degree in stage management ... she works at a bank.





Facebook can be really depressing too. A lot of my friends, including my sister in law who is 3 years younger than me, are in the process of buying, or have bought, a house. That is so far out of our reach right now, its really depressing. If it wasnt for our amazing family we'd be homeless. I feel completely embarrassed and ashamed that I have to depend on other people for something that I should be able to provide for my family. But no, my dumbass went on a joy ride with credit cards and will be spending the next 3 years on a debt management plan paying them back, instead of saving for a house.


I love my children with all of my heart, they are absolutely everything to me. I just wish I guess I had done things in the "right" order I guess, so I could properly provide for them (i.e. have a house for them to call their own) and not worry about having to decide between gas for my car and groceries. I dread the day little michael wants to invite a friend over, or the day I may have to return the favor of a play date, because the house is not our own :(


When I was in high school my genious OBGYN Dr.Angus told me it would be unlikely I'd be able to become pregnant or that I would have a hard time becoming pregnant bc of my endometriosis. So after I had such a hard time with every birth control known to man, I decided to take myself off of it completely. 2 weeks later I tripped, fell and became pregnant with MJ.I still hold that Dr. Dumbass, Chris Isaak and Victoria Secrets owes me back child support .... but that hasn't panned out.


I guess the whole point that I'm trying to convey here is that I feel inadequate bc I don't have everything that I would have expected to at my age. Knowing that I'll still be living with family kills me. But I guess it could be worse, because my family is pretty awesome, even if they do wake you at the ass crack of dawn to bury deceased live stock.