Main Entry: en·abler
Pronunciation: \i-ˈnā-blər, -bəl-ər\
Function: noun
Date: 1615
: one that enables another to achieve an end; especially : one who enables another to persist in self-destructive behavior (as substance abuse) by providing excuses or by making it possible to avoid the consequences of such behavior
My uncle is dying of alcoholism. No pity party for me, as there is a long family history of tension and drama, but the person I feel the worst for is my grandfather. I can't imagine outliving my own child. However my grandfather is his own worst enemy. He is your classic enabler. My grandmother was also a fall down alcoholic when she was alive, going as far as drinking nyquil for the alcohol content. I don't know if my grandfather refuses to recognize that there is a problem, or just doesn't get it because there was no such thing as "alcoholism" when he was growing up and raising his own family.
My uncle steve is a functional drunk, the kind of drunk that if he tried to sober up, it would kill him. When he was able to come over his eyes were always glazed over his gait and speech were always slow and deliberate, often commenting on irrelevant and non sensible things. He was always nice enough to us kids, and did help out grampa from time to time. I'm told that he never had ambition, even when he was younger. A degree in architecture from Wentworth hangs in the old office of the building company he had with my grandfather 35 years ago. Uncle steve was left in charge of the business when my grandfather retired, and he promptly drove that into the ground. He was a firefighter on Cotuit with my grandfather and both my parents. When my father got hired on Mashpee, my uncle was also offered a job. He didn't want it. Then my uncle hurt his back climbing a ladder some 30 years ago. And that was it. He hasn't worked since. His house is in shambles, and it doesn't even look like a house. To see it, you'd have to look for it on school street. All the trees & shrubbery's are overgrown. It looks like the house from the movie "The House Of 1000 corpses".
I overhear my grandfather talking to once of his friends in the kitchen "You know that boy worries me, his color's not right". He's referring to my Uncle's eggplant complexion. You see, my uncle has drank himself into circulatory failure, among other things. Then the falls started. my uncle fell twice with in the past week. The rescue came both times because my cousin Craig (who is also a functioning alcoholic) was not able to help him up. My Uncle was just diagnosed with CHF (a result of his drinking) and the hospital is still running tests to find out what else the alcohol has destroyed. I'm guessing Gout is also going to be added onto the list, Wernicke-Korsakoff Syndrome, Alcoholic Liver Disease, and probably others.
I was just stunned and frustrated at the same time by my grandfathers comment. Really grampa? You really don't know what's wrong with Uncle Steve? I don't know if he's afraid people will judge him because his son is an alcoholic, like people will think it's 'his fault'. With my grandmother, I think that he believed that she was "always that way" and there was no name for it really, and when there was a category for it, it was viewed as a "weakness" or something to be ashamed of. Views have changed drastically since then, but when you have someone who is so set in their ways its damn near impossible to change their mind, even if you're trying to help them.
My grandfather is an enabler with other family members to. People take advantage of him to, and it pisses me off to no end, especially when there's not a damned thing I can do. My grandfathers niece (my father's 1st cousin) constantly drops by, using our home as her personal motel, dragging her business (and annoying yappy ankle biter dog) about. She's also an enabler. Her useless drain on society adult son Jeff is constantly in and out of the psych ward, has no job, lives in section 8 housing bc he's on disability for bi polar. Yep, apparently you can claim disability for a common non life threatening (etiology wise) psychiatric disease. Jeff is 40 some odd years old, but bums gas & cigarette money off his mom, and she comes down to deal with his doctors appointments. My grandfather finally stopped lending him money. The thing that kills me is that my grandfather gets annoyed with these people and yet he continues to let them walk all over him.
And my other useless drain on society relative, Craig (as above mentioned, my cousin, Uncle Steve's son), is also a functioning fall down alcoholic who was diagnosed with juvenile diabetes at 3 years old and never developed mentally past the age of 15. Diabetes, drunk and a chain smoker. Good combination. His big claim to fame was working at Filene's basement until the closed, and his "band" that use to practice in my grandfather's shop. They would come and practice at all hours, leaving the place a mess, with beer cans and god knows what else. I'm not one to start trouble, but when you ash and spill beer on my kid's beach toys, I draw the line mother fucker.
My grandfather, being deaf as a door nail, wouldn't hear them "practice". But I would. When I'm trying to put my kid to bed and sleep for the midnight shift, you bet I would. My cousin would never listen to my grandfather when asked to turn it down or come during certain hours. Shutting the power off didn't stop them either. Finally they were kicked out. The "band" broke up shortly after.
It's really amazing to me, as in the case of my father and his brother, that two people could be raised in the same house, but be two completely different people. All be it, 9 years apart, that aside, they both had the same opportunities, same parents, same up bringing.Two completely different people. My father has a successful career and beautiful family. My Uncle Steve, not so much.
Even with my son, my grandfather gives in. 8 am and this kid is running around with a mouth full of cookies. Really?! I know my grandfather truly believes that he is helping in all of the above situations, but it really infuriates me that he doesn't know, or maybe doesn't WANT to see, that people take advantage of him because of it. I just hope for his sake that Uncle Steve holds out until after my grandfather leaves this world. It's not a good sign when your 87 year old father is in better health than you are.
